Partnered Sex

Last year my friend’s husband died suddenly and like when all young and thriving people pass unexpectedly it was and still is a huge loss for our group.  A few months after he died, my friend asked if she could talk to me since, as she said, “You’re a sex therapist and all.”  She told me about a specific pain and heartache she feels regarding the death of her husband.  They had a monogamous relationship and with his abrupt death she also lost her partnered sex life that same awful day.  She told me that sure she misses the sex, but what she is realizing in her grief is that she is also missing the laughing, the cuddling, the caressing, the hugging, the holding each other, the looking into each other’s eyes, the silly moments, the awkward moments, and yes even the disappointing moments.  While masturbation scratched an itch, she said with partnered sex she had exactly that: a partner and intimate friend with whom she could share all those things.  It was the 'sharing with' that felt particularly special for her, and is something she profoundly misses now.  I was, and still am, deeply moved by her experience and her description of her experience.  And with her permission, I share it here as a way in to discuss how partnered sex is different than solo sex.

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